Mismatched Libido's

Dealing With Mismatched Libidos | Solving Relationship Issues

Issues With Sex Drives | Sex Drives For Men

Relationships work the best when you’re both on the same page, and whilst some relationships have really great communication and operate effectively on the same page, there are others which are still amazing relationships, yet don't necessarily have such great transparency. When you disagree on some things, it can make for an amazing relationship with growth and learning, but when you disagree on simple things like sex and libido, then problems can quickly arise. What we’ve done is enlisted the help of some professionals in order to help you overcome some issues when it concerns sex, and different levels of libido.

Sex is amazing when you first start getting to know someone. You’re frequently aroused and in most cases you’re both more than happy to engage in sexual activity with frequent regularity. However, as the relationship settles into a couple hood, and you begin to get set into your daily routines cracks might appear to show which will highlight the difference in libido quite profoundly.

 

Fixing a sexless marriage

 

It’s quite rare to have a couple with the same libido as each other, and then to maintain that. Inevitably, especially within heterosexual couples, there’s an ebb and flow of desire and arousal that coincides with changing hormones and life stages. The same can be true of same sex couples as well. The normal stresses of life might have an impact on their libido as well as their lifestyles, work and other external factors. It’s very difficult to have matched libidos when you’re fighting everything that that poses a disruption to that.

The popular belief is that men have higher libidos, but that is certainly not always the case. There are mismatched libidos where the woman has a higher sex drive, and it also occurs in same sex relationships. No one is exempt from this issue. We spoke to Matty Silver who shared her insight in relationships and couples as a counsellor and sex therapist.

When there is a mismatched libido, often, a ‘pursuer-distancer’ relationship will commence. The individual with the higher sex drive will become the pursuer who is continually chasing the partner who has less interest in sex and sexual activity. The pursuer may find themselves asking for sex, and they might become frustrated and angry when they are rejected because they might not understand what’s going on. Alternatively, they may not even ask for sex, they might just sweep it under the carpet. Equally a bad idea.

The partner with the lower sex drive will become the person that identifies as the distance. A distance will avoid sex and try a myriad of excuses, or they might be reluctant to kiss, hug or show other signs of intimacy in the fear that it may lead to sex. So begins the cycle. The pursuer will become provoked because they see a need to try harder and the distancer becomes increasingly emotionally and sexually distant. They might find themselves communicating less, becoming less affectionate and they will display less intimacy.

The ego is a fragile thing, especially when it comes to sex and relationships. Having been rejected once or twice can cause one partner to just give up the idea of sexual activity up altogether, whereas if you’re not feeling in the mood even simple hugs, kisses and touches can feel like a sexual overture and create an impeding sense of sexual pressure. The thing is that mismatched libidos can be complex, so if you find that you are struggling here, it might be worth seeking the advice of a relationship therapist or counsellor especially if the problem has been happening for an extended period of time.

For the most part, the discrepancy in the mismatched libido, does not reflect a lack of love and intimacy in the relationship, but can lead to questioning their compatibility as a couple. The biggest issue that will arise here is that the person who has a higher sex drive, will often feel rejected sexually and emotionally by their partner. They might absorb this personally, and it will make them question their attractiveness, the level of desire from their partner or maybe that their partner is having an affair.

There’s a lot of couples that will argue about the frequency of sex. There might be one person who will want it several times in a week, and another who is perfectly content with once a week or a fortnight. The second issue here, is that the person with the lower sex drive will control the frequency of sex. Very few people will engage in sexual activity if they’re not in the mood.

In this situation there needs to be a level of empathy between the partners. The pursuer should make a conscious effort to be more understanding and have caring mannerisms, and also make an effort to give their partner a little space. Conversely, the distance should try to bring a little intimacy and romance back into the relationship. They must be willing to make changes and become a little more physically loving and affectionate.


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